After writing on reality and perception in my last blog, I had a beautiful epiphany. I know that my big “ah-hah” moment was prompted by my Facebook memory that popped up to remind me of my dad’s passing. I returned to the CaringBridge website that I had created for him 6 years ago and reread all of my journal entries. I have always known that I have absolutely no regrets of that period of time and all that occurred. Rereading my messages, filled me with an overwhelming feeling of love. A 100% pure love of my relationship with my dad and my soul’s belief in myself as a true, authentic woman. I feel blessed for this, for a variety of reasons, but most importantly, I have no regrets, no should of, could of, would of or if’s. I know I lived and breathed each moment of each day I had with him right up to the second of his last and final breath. I realize that not everyone may see or understand these blessings as I see, or the way I chose to view this experience, but for me, it has allowed me to move on, live life, and be a true happy person, just the way he would want it. I see many people who get stuck after losing someone they love, almost like they are frozen in time. Death is something many do not want to speak of, think of, or learn of, but reality is, we all will die. Living your life with no regrets frees you from being stuck in a place, it allows you to move on, this doesn’t just apply to death, it is living this way, with all relationships and experiences. I have realized that what allows me-or anyone-to live without regrets means CHOOSING to live in a manner that does not create regret. One of the “ah-hahs” within my epiphany is the recognition that to live so that I don’t have regrets means that I am choosing to be ME, authentic, truthful, kind and honest. I wanted to share one of my entries I wrote in my dad’s site, simply because it shows the love, the reality, and living in some of the toughest moments of life.
January 16, 2013
“Today was a very hard day. Got lots of questions answered and had some talks with my dad. They had to put in a feeding tube in his nose as he failed his swallow test. I know this makes him mad, as all he talks about is drinking a Coke 🙂 He needs this though to try and get some strength. The team of heart surgeons meet tomorrow to discuss his case, but the heart doctors, do not believe he will be a candidate for this. Too many other problems going on. I asked where we go then from here? They said right now it is a day to day thing. Watch his labs and see what his body is going to do. I love his kidney doctor, he is honest, and kind. He believes IF he did surgery at some point, that all these other factors would make it hard for him to have a somewhat normal life. I asked my dad today if he still wanted to be a full code. He said no. I also talked to him and told him everything is his choice right now. He can at anytime say he has had enough and go home with hospice. At the end of the visit, he cried and told me to go home so he could think…… Nothing could break my heart more. I would do anything for him. But at the end, it is all in his control. For as long as I can remember I have talked to my dad every single day on the phone, sometimes more. Through my mom’s passing, we have helped each other out. I thank God today for letting him get this tube out and being able to kiss him and talk to him. I will hold onto all of that. Thank you for your kind words, love, and prayers!!”
This was a reminder that no matter what was going on, I was real, true, and loving and consider myself truly blessed for this. I believe so many times, people walk away from someone and have nothing but questions, wondering what they did or what they could have done. I know, I have been there, but, there is something so beautiful about just believing that sometimes, things end. We don’t always get the answers we seek, the validation we want, the closure that we had hoped for, but if you know in your heart that you did or said all you could do, all that is left, is to let go.
Do you live with regrets? If you do, how could you approach life and your current or future experiences in a manner that leaves you filled with loving gratitude and no regrets? How can you change that, so you don’t live that way again?
These are some of my favorite pictures of a life with my dad, each memory, a time forever ingrained in my mind, with no regrets, just love.
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